 
Kick the Balls: An Offensive Suburban Odyssey
Average Rating: 4.5 Total Reviews: 12
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 On: 2008-10-15
Scottish-born (but now US naturalized citizen) author Alan Black grew up on soccer in his early life before moving to the US (pretty much similar as myself), and decided to take up coaching the soccer team of his young son in Northern California. This book brings the humorous account of his experiences with that.
"Kicking the Balls" (268 pages) is intended to be, and at regular times is, a humorous account of what its like to coach an inept young soccer team, reminding me in spirit of "the Bad News Bears" baseball movie of yesteryear. The teams head coach is a guy originally from Iran, bringing some funny interludes and memories of the 1978 World Cup Iran-Scotland match, which ended in a shameful draw for the Scots. Later, the Iranian guy coach of the young soccer team leaves and it puts Black in charge of the team, but alas, no improvement for the team as it loses game after game. Eventually, the main goal to be achieved is to score just once.
The book is a quick read, but be forewarned, there is a lot of cussing and swearing throughout the pages, and it frankly is a turn-off at times. But as the author makes clear, that is what Scots just do. Whatever. Id recommend this book if you have a few hours to fill on a long plane ride (which is how I read this), nothing more.
On: 2008-10-14
This book starts out with great promise. There are points in it that literally had me laugh out loud. There are great annecdotes from Mr. Blacks life growing up in Scotland. And he possesses a cynical, sarcastic sense of humor much like my own that I really clicked with.
For awhile it is actually quite a page-turner of a book, and very humorous. The problem with the book is on several fronts though. First off, there is absolutely no real look into the lives or views of anyone other than Mr. Black. Many of the kids are completely nameless throughout the book, and we know nothing of them at all.
But more than that lack of connection to the other characters is just that by the end of the book, everything is worn out and old and not so funny anymore. The jokes are essentially the same over and over. The results the same - off he goes to his 3 am appointment with Ben & Jerrys to mock the televangelists. The jokes get old and by the time they are repackaged for the 23rd time it loses some of its humor.
Top that off with the largely dissapointing finish to the book - both the teams season, and Mr. Blacks conclusions and actions - and there just isnt much that can be said.
And finally I will say this ... I can laugh at myself and others. And I know that many parents are crazy about youth sports. But as someone who has coached youth sports for 14 years myself, I can say that if Mr. Blacks actions were even a quarter of what he wrote, then he is a disgrace of a father and a person for the way he treated the kids and acted during the season.
In fact as I type that last paragraph I am wondering if I should not lower the rating more - but the humor prevents it, as it was good, at least early on, and the insights into his life growing up were really wonderful. Is the book worth a buy? Probably. But Im glad that I merely borrowed it from the library, and I will not be adding it to my own personal library.
 On: 2008-09-15
An hilarious look at the hard-boiled world of Scottish youth football of twenty+ years ago, contrasted with todays enabled and pampered state of American youth soccer.
 On: 2008-09-03
and a takedown of all that is suburban flatlining. Late night laughs that kept my girl up and she ended up protesting everytime I picked it up.
I passed a copy off to a Scottish bartender, here in LA, so that she would be able to use the comeback to, "Glasgow" "oh.what part of England is that..." "the scottish part"
Great job Senor Black...E.E.
On: 2008-08-21
Alan Black is a force of nature. A Scottish force of nature to be exact. This is a hysterical, thought-provoking, funny, tragic memoir about the worlds biggest and most popular religion. soccer. Or football as its known in the civilized world. But its also a story of a man coming to grips with his past, with his present and his future. It doesnt matter if you are one of the unwashed American masses who doesnt understand or appreciate the beautiful game. If youve ever been a kid, you should read this book. this is Black comedy at its best.
On: 2008-07-31
I dont watch soccer. I dont care about soccer. But this book made me laugh so hard I got eyeballed on the bus as perhaps a bit special.
No ones feelings should be hurt here when he makes fun of you - and yes, hell make fun of you, and you, and you. Hes equal opportunity in mocking athletes, non-athletes, Americans, Scotsmen, parents, coaches, everyone. No need to be offended. Its all in good fun. And its all true.
Really, you have to read this book.
On: 2008-07-23
I wrote a review for this book on June 28 and now its gone. In fact, there were a few reviews up here. Well, thanks to Google cache heres what I said:
When I was a kid in the 1970s, they said in the future soccer would become massively popular in America and we would all use the metric system. Didnt happen. The metric system is pretty much only used to refer to illicit drugs, but almost every American kid in the suburbs plays in a soccer league at least once.
Alan Blacks "Kick The Balls" is about his adventures coaching a kids soccer league, yes. But it is much more. Its about Alan trying to assimilate into the American suburbs. And this is the super funny stuff. No one is safe from Blacks barbs: TV preachers, kids, Dockers pants, parents, multiculturalism, the cult of the suburban lawn. Oh and its not just a snarky hit piece on the easy target of suburban life, Black reserves his sharpest wit to mock himself: a cynical, uncomfortable, Scottish transplant to California. Recommended to anyone in need of a hearty jaundiced laugh at the world and themselves. Extra bonus funny (and insightful) if you are in the position of trying to cope with maintaining your identity and making new friends in a suburban, middle class, vanilla wasteland (i.e., if youre like this reviewer).
On: 2008-07-10
The view from Alan Blacks head, as he surveys Northern California suburbia, is scary the way riding a Hunter S Thompson novel is scary and philosophical in the Vonnegut Breakfast of Champions sense, but since its all foreign to him its like reading an alien anthropologists view of your culture: ironic, enlightening, ridiculous, and a bit absurd.
To get the full rush, you need to hear Alan in your head as you read. Heres your recipe: (1) read the book up until the first time you laugh outloud (make him earn the $24 fercrissakes), (2) after that first laugh, go to http://dublit.com/search?filter0=Alan%20Black (or just www.dublit.com then search on Alan Black audio shorts) (3) listen to one or two readings. You will then hear that mighty screaming brogue through the entire book. Nice.
The comparison on the dust jacket with Nick Hornby follows from the self-absorbed 1st person character. But Alan Black takes it joyously over the top. The humor is bitingly dry, sometimes deliciously obscure, frequently refers to something youd almost forgotten, and nearly always offensive. Offensive in the way that makes you look around to see if anyone was listening inside your head. In other words, offensive to no actual person, just potentially offensive. The best kind!
The book isnt written with a mess of high-brow literati flair, thank God, it kicks you right in the, well, you know. Given the blue-collar style, its amazing how this book, which has only one real character, delivers the goods. Its one of those tricks that a purple-prose-artist might shoot for and even pull off. I get the impression that Alan did it so naturally that hes not even aware of it. Organic talent, in other words.
On: 2008-07-08
Via humorous vignettes that take you back and forth through 3 decades and 2 continents, Kick the Balls offers a very true and funny view of soccer/football, and life in general, on both sides of the Atlantic. Kick the Balls is a terrific read, even if you dont follow this sport.
On: 2008-06-28
When I was a kid in the 1970s, they said in the future soccer would become massively popular in America and we would all use the metric system. Didnt happen. The metric system is pretty much only used to refer to illicit drugs, but almost every American kid in the suburbs plays in a soccer league at least once.
Alan Blacks "Kick The Balls" is about his adventures coaching a kids soccer league, yes. But it is much more. Its about Alan trying to assimilate into the American suburbs. And this is the super funny stuff. No one is safe from Blacks barbs: TV preachers, kids, Dockers pants, parents, multiculturalism, the cult of the suburban lawn. Oh and its not just a snarky hit piece on the easy target of suburban life, Black reserves his sharpest wit to mock himself: a cynical, uncomfortable, Scottish transplant to California. Recommended to anyone in need of a hearty jaundiced laugh at the world and themselves. Extra bonus funny (and insightful) if you are in the position of trying to cope with maintaining your identity and making new friends in a suburban, middle class, vanilla wasteland (i.e., if youre like this reviewer).
On: 2008-06-24
This is a "laugh out loud on the bus making everybody think youre a nutter" book. Absolutely brilliant.
On: 2008-06-19
I saw this book at my local bookstore earlier today, and read the dustjacket description. I was delighted to see one of Bill Shanklys famous quotes, and started flipping through it. I read the first three chapters standing in the sports aisle, then bought it, took it home, and read it straight through. I enjoyed it immensely; the authors misanthropic tale of youth soccer is as hilarious (and, as the cover states, offensive) as it is heartwarming, as he tries to bring some level of discipline and success to a motley group of youngsters. As a huge fan of the game, it was very interesting to see an outsiders perspective on the little league culture in the United States, and a little bit validating to see the level of ridiculousness of it all exposed.
I highly recommend this book to fans of the beautiful game, as well as fans of a good laugh at the authors (and Americas) expense.
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